A lot of people pretend to be sex experts when in fact they are amateurs with a lot to learn. Here are 15 mistakes you should never do when you hit the sack tonight.

1. Checking the phone – A message comes in and you want to check! You can’t wait for a mere message, is it important more than what you are doing? Worse still is checking your partners’ messages or checking the time in the middle of the action. How pathetic!
2. Praying – We all know God is good, and we know he gave you this good man or woman. But please, however thankful you are, just don’t pray during sex, don’t pray just before, ok, maybe you can do it silently, but erupting into loud prayer will most definitely steal the mood.
3. Sleeping – Oh my goodness. Are you tired, sick or just bored? Speak up if it’s boring, say so if you are too tired to continue, but surely, sleeping mid way through the action is plain rude and should never be attempted.
4. Defecating – It happens. Do you have a running stomach? Worse than those farts earlier mentioned is actually going ahead, drunk or otherwise, to pooh during sex. Maybe gays do it due to loose anal sphincters, I don’t know, but I think it’s just plain gross. What???
5. Ejaculating carelessly – Any woman will tell you that they don’t mind where you deposit the stuff that comes out from down there, but shoot it into her hair or onto her curtains and there will be hell. At least I warned you. The hair is a no go zone, better release into her nose or eye.
6. Asking silly questions – You know what I mean. You are having a great time, alright, I mean you should be having a great time, why then would you conjure up some nonsense? Like asking what if you become pregnant, if he loves you, or inquiring if he has finished, or you asking where she bought those panties or…Nonsense.
7. Vomiting – For goodness sake, if you are sick, just say it. No man wants a load of puke in his face, more so, when you are supposed to be enjoying. Vomiting during sex is disgusting and such a turn off.
8. Mentioning your ex – Even if he or she did the same thing, even if the current romp reminds you of your ex so much that you can’t shut it out, even if he or she is just as good, keep it out of your sex life. Never ever call out the wrong name when you cum, never ever!
9. Farting endlessly – You ate beans or what? Believe me, nobody would mind an occasional fart coming out in the middle of action, but when you behave as if you are being paid for it and decide to fart throughout, it becomes disgusting and not funny.
10. Acting disinterested – There are those women who lie there like a log of wood or a dead fish ready to be dissected instead of taking part in the business of the day. For goodness sake, if you are dead already, why show up? Do something, but by this I don’t mean picking your teeth or plaiting your hair!
11. Starting arguments – Yes, he wronged you on Wednesday afternoon during Christmas in 1976, it hurt so bad, yes, we understand, but surely, must you bring it up in the middle of the night during sex?
12. Comparing his size to the neighbors’ – You know what I mean. It doesn’t matter whether he has the biggest in the neighborhood or otherwise; just don’t compare it to the neighbor’s. A man would be offended if you told him he has a smaller one than so and so’s but he wouldn’t be pleased either if you said it’s bigger.
13. Putting your weight on your partner – It doesn’t matter whether you weigh a ton or balance a squirrel, just don’t put all your weight on your partner, support yourself using either knees or elbows.
14. Staying quiet – For goodness sake, make some noise. I don’t mean you bellow like a tractor or scream as if you are being tortured! You have to make some noise if you want to spur him or her on. You don’t want somebody stopping to check if you are dead already, do you?
15. Laughing – Sex is serious business and you know it. I’d rather you screw your face as if angry than erupting into laughter from time to time. Your partner shouldn’t think you are laughing at them, unless it just comes out when you cum, and by that time it would be over, which isn’t so bad!

Related book: The Aids Ward